The Gazette welcomes Cosmic Debris to our growing entertainment and arts team. Cosmic is a well-known figure in Vancouver music circles. His unique perspective is sure to inspire, humour and antagonize Gazette readers. We hope you enjoy. - The Editors

I’ve been to a lot of very loud heavy metal, punk, and hard rock shows. I’ve seen Slayer and Motorhead several times. I’ve seen a Harrier jet vertically take off live in person. But I’ve got to say I’ve never heard anything like the cacophony of a crowd that’s 90% girls all screaming at the top of their lungs on command from the Twerkmaster General.

Miley Cyrus’ massive BANGERZ tour opened up in Vancouver last night, and Miley bitch-slapped all in attendance with her Star Spangled walking stick.

Never have I experienced such an all-expense big budget pop show where all stops were pulled out. I’d have loved to see the ideas rejected as unfeasible. Miley pulled every trick in the book – and it was pretty damn amazing.

The bizarre parade began with Miley’s birth to her via video and a giant bovine tongue slide. What was to follow seemed strong evidence of America’s epic failure of their national drug education program D.A.R.E.

Although I doubt many of this neophyte audience was actually on any kind of psychedelics, for the ones that were, it was a big payday. A mascot-sized rapper gyrating as Miley twerked on a gold lamé car, a massive red puppet stalking the stage, amped-up 80′s visuals screaming on the video screen, balloon rainbows dotting the crowd, all while the audience proceeded to lose its collective shit.

A strong argument could also made last night for America as ‘The Great Satan’. With all the glamorization of money, glitz and drugs, I couldn’t help thinking what this would look like to virgin eyes. It was easy to see how the shock and awe could have been an affront to every established moral value in every Holy Book known to man.

It was great!
And the fever dream continued.

‘Adore You’ was preceded by a gargantuan 100-foot dog floating out of the video screen. At one point, Miley disappeared from the stage to magically appear in a black and white S&M-lite video dressed in light bondage gear. She followed that with ‘Hey Ya!’ by Outkast and a surprisingly damn good version of Dolly Parton’s hit ‘Jolene’ – possibly in an attempt to prove to parents there’s still a nice country girl there somewhere, underneath all the sparkles, spangles and gyrating.

miley

Miley backstage before the performance.

In one of the night’s more surreal moments, Miley performed on a floating giant hotdog. More eardrums were torn with ‘Wrecking Ball’ – which also saw the return of the giant Space Cat made famous at her performance at the American Music Awards.

The finale seemed basically a big ‘screw-you’ to everyone that’s got a problem with America. ‘Can’t Stop’ featured dancers dressed like foam fingers, Zippo lighters and a midget dressed as a giant joint. Followed by the ear-drilling ‘Party in the USA’ which saw the stage littered with American iconography – the Statue of Liberty, Bill Clinton, Mount Rushmore, a few Uncle Sams, and the Liberty Bell.

America – Fuck yeah.

I left the arena buzzing like I’d just gotten the world’s biggest tattoo but still had to explain to my parents what had just happened.

I’ve also got a date with a chiropractor from an epic amount of twerking.

See more images from the show here.

Words by Cosmic Debris
Top photo by By Andrew Chin, Getty Images
Bottom photo by @mileycyrus

Comments

  1. Malcolm McColl says:

    Yes, I read this, and, yes, I regret that.

  2. Rick Reed says:

    well when your young it is her life and she is young so do it while you can life is short so live it to the fullest

  3. Art Attack says:

    ..This article is a big joke
    That is all

  4. Sydney Rumohr says:

    People think miley is this amazing woman contributing to feminism…. I have nothing againts her way of her expressing herself…but its the fact that she is a horrible musician her music is shite..and she is making money off plain advertising herself. In a few years time nobody will care…..

  5. Gord Smedley says:

    Someone, somewhere, gives a fuck, I guess.

  6. Charlotte McColl says:

    I was just about to turn to you and say av ya seen this…

  7. Malcolm McColl says:

    I can't help thinking that I'm seeing history in the making

  8. Malcolm McColl says:

    Did I say history. I meant histrionics. Sorry.

  9. Lucy Rambo says:

    Just so desperate really needs help